Lead, Kindly Light

Okay, ever since hearing Elder Holland`s talk about depresión in General Conference, I have really wanted to write this post. Before I start, I am going to mention very personal thoughts, feelings, And experiences. I do not write to be judged or criticized. I am not a psycho and I am not suicidal. And if I misspell words, it is because I am used to writing in Spanish. Experiencing depression in ANY form does NOT in any way make someone weak, horrible, a sinner, or that their testimony is any less. I realize that I still have much to work on, that the battle is never over, but I want to talk about how my knowledge of the Gospel And Atonement of Jesus Christ have helped me in my battle with depresión.

Depresión can strike anyone at anytime in life, old, young, healthy, sick, popular,  shy, weak, And strong. Sometimes the person who seems to have it all may be fighting a silent battle. I have been shocked to find out that some people who I really look up to experience depresión and yet the Savior helps them through their struggles. I am amazed by the faith And perseverance of these my brothers And sisters.
I have been shy since I was young. I get better, step by step, day by day, but I still often become overwhelmed in many social situations. In high school, I tried to appear happy on the surface, but I faced many internal battles. Moments of feeling worthless, feeling that I did not matter, that the world would go on without me. No one knew how I felt deep down inside. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of forgetfulness. I would attend my church meetings And enjoy learning the principles taught. I learned so much in my church classes, this helped me get through high school alive. I hate to admit, however, that I was not very good at putting these principles into practice. I could have studied my scriptures better And prayed more often during this stage of my life.
During my last couple years of high school, I fell pretty hard. I made so many mistakes. I questioned so many things. I began to doubt if the church was true. I realized that I absolutely NEEDED to gain my own testimony, to KNOW for myself that the church was true. I began to REALLY read my scriptures. I made a more concentrated effort in praying.
As I entered college, my testimony was stronger than it had been, but still not strong enough. I fell again and wondered if it would ever be possible to get back up. I prayed like crazy, begging for deliverance. The Spirit touched the heart of my bishop one Sunday as he called me into his office. He said felt like he should see how I was doing. We sat And small talked awhile before I just let it all out. The pain and the load I had carried since high school, my sins, my doubts, my struggles, everything. As I sat there crying, my bishop told me that the Lord had forgiven me. I felt a weight lifted off of my heart And shoulders. Forgiveness. The sweet word. I knew that others needed to hear that message.
Fast forward a few years. I decided to serve a mission And I was called to serve in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was the best thing that could ever happen to me! I learned And grew so much on my Mission, And I gained a greater understanding of the Atonement And Grace. There were days when I just wanted to throw in the towel And go home, but the Lord kept me going. Things happened that I did not understand until after the Mission. There are even some things that I still do not fully comprehend, but I do know all that happened was for a wise purpose in the Lord.
I remember a couple of times on the Mission where the Lord was the only one I felt I could truly talk to. I felt I could not go on, but He helped me make it through another day. As I reread some of my journal entries from these periods of time, I al amazed at the testimony I bore And the strength I gained from the Lord. Even when I was a complete And utter mess, He gave me the strength to go on.
In this past year, I have really learned to trust in the Father And in my Savior. Things happened that I cannot comprehend, Satan strives to eat at my soul, And storms rage all around, but my faith in the Savior is my anchor. I still often feel overwhelmed And just want to give up, but I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE! Even in the darkest of nights, He is my Light.
Life is still not easy. I pray, read my scriptures, go to church, And try my best, bit sometimes I feel overwhelmed. The grace of Jesús Christ sustains me in all things. Without Him, I am nothing. With Him, I will be able to reach the peak of the mountain And rejoice with Him. Doctrine And Covenants 130:1-2. Everything we face will be well worth it.
I know that my Redeemer lives. Of this I testify in the name of Jesús Christ, amen.